| Saturday, March 28, 2009

this isnt a picture post so if thats wat u expected im sorry.
One stupid mistake triggers a downfall of a night. I actually for once planned my day to eat dinner with my fam. if u know me. i try to avoid every family dinner possible. But my mom was having some work problem so i thought she would enjoy my company. When my dad and i went to pick up my mom shit just go mad fucked up. i feel asleep in the car and suddenly there is a ticket on the window. long story short. my dad goes crazy. parents say its my fault. it aint a big deal honestly but to them it is all "stupidly fucked up" or my dad said i am stupidly fucked in the head. i didnt park there. i was sleepin in the back seat. my mom has been heated all day and goes offf sayin i have no consideration and im selfish. i still dont see why im getting completely blamed for it this time. im usually a rebel when i know im wrong and just dont wanna admit to it but this really wasnt totally my fault. And from then on it kepts excolating. my emotions inside begin to burst. My parents keep going off on me at the dinner table. its not even about the ticket incident. they spit out my whole life story and how i been a fuck up. suddenly its my grades. then how much they just wanna move out with out me, then my dads anger tantrum keeps rising. "i think dumbasss people should just die. and i have a dumbass son? wtf is wrong with u" im just sitting. taking all this in. staring at the window. i looked blank. but inside i am going phyco. thinking about why the fuck my life is like this. why does one stupid thing become this big of a problem. I can truly say i was raised wrong. my parent always wish i was someone else. my dad will even say "why arent u the kid going to standford?" im labeled by my own father. he is just about his money so much. His belief is money i everything and i guess thats suppose to make you happy. im not gunna lie. it has influenced me. i have to have everything materistically. wish i wasnt like that but wat can i do. money is power though. but power can fuck anyone over once they have tested it out. my mom tries to care. but just doesnt know how to do it. she doesnt realize she has moments where she has gone past the line. putting everything into extreme exagertation. i dont understand either of them fully. other than they are both pretty hypocritical but i am to so i guees we actually all have something in common. but i wanna figure out wat they want me to live by. i wish we were normal cuz then i wouldnt have this problem. well nothing is normal. but everything i enjoy doing is wrong to them. it seems like there is nothing i can do to live up to there fuckin standards so i guess i kinda said fuck it. il live to my standards. but saying "fuck it" doesnt always fully work on ur parents. because u cant live without them . well i cant. this makes me wanna quit at life. i can go one sayin fuck wat they think but id be lying. they have alot of control over my thoughts and emotions or else i prolly wouldnt be writing this. they through so much fucked shit at me and think i dont care wen i do. im 17 now. so they throw all this fuck up info at me. "u have fucked around for 17 years of ur life. i better not fuck around on ur 18th. cuz ur not gunna be our problem at all " great. ur gunna some how spoil me for 17 years while yelling at the same time then just say good bye ur 18. or maybe look at it this way. maybe this is why i seemed to fucked up in the head as my dad would say. imagine if u got alot of the shit that u wanted. but u get yelled at for being a fuck up. so y the hell am i gettin all this shit and being told imma fuck up. i dont get it. see im just raised wrong and no one realizes it.
ok. i need to fuckin stop writng. im not gettin anywhere with this bullshit. good bye. i dont understand my life so i wouldnt expect anyone else too.


Melissa Dagdag said...

okay, I know I really have no say in this. But really Sean your parents care about you, and it's not like they hate you. Parents are obligated to love their child unconditionally regardless of whether or not you reach their expectations. And they KNOW it wasn't your fault. Think about it, your mom's having problems at work which impact you AND your father. I know it was wrong what they did and what they said, but they see you as their ventation options. Instead of transferring their anger to someone/something else, they do it to you. Only because they know you won't d anything, because you're their child. But honestly, you're not fucked at all. Don't ever say you're ever fucked, because you're a great person inside and outside. If they raised you wrong Sean, you wouldn't be who you are today. So I say they raised you pretty damn good. And in regard to getting all the materialistic things, that may be a way for them to show they love you, since it's a bit obvious they can't really show it emotionally. You're not being yelled at for them giving you "love" through material things, but what expectations you couldn't fufill in their eyes. But remember no matter what you turn out to be, no matter what achievements you succeed in they'll always love you for you. You may think they hate you right now, but you'll be glad someday they gave you that yelling to set you straight, because that's all they're trying to do. Yelling from a parent is only in hopes to help you strive in reaching your goals farther. Preserverance, they love you no matter what Sean.

Chris said...

=/ don't be so blue, polar bear

I'll poke your thighs for ya if that makes you feel better, okay?